November 2020 – Permission to Love

Permission to Love, Now!

Posted on November 25, 2020November 23, 2020 by aliciaqb

When my sister and I were trying to come up with a name for our blog, we knew Permission to Love was the right name. We originally wanted to write a book and we kept saying, “We need to make sure that people know that they can love their “loved ones” right now. They need to know that there is no reason to withhold our love from someone no matter the situation.”

I’m guessing that there are times when you don’t know how to treat a family member because things between you have changed and you are not happy with them. You may be fighting or hurt by their actions. They may have gone against standards and truths you felt they were taught, they may lie, hide things, make mistakes, behave badly. It all can hurt very deeply.

“There is no need to constantly tell our spouse or our children how they can improve; they know that already. It is in creating this environment of love that they will be empowered to make the necessary changes in their lives and become better people”
Hans T Boon

Somehow, we believe that if we love someone as they are now, we are sending a signal that we are accepting or approving of behavior that that we don’t like. We feel that we are holding onto a thread of control of the situation, as long as we let them know that we strongly disapprove. The truth is, we do not control anything. That is an illusion. It is not your job control because control is a barrier to your greatest superpower, which is LOVE. Love draws people to us, disapproval pushes them away. Your loving influence makes all of the difference and is more of a persuading force than any lessons that could be taught by lecturing or disapproval.

Don’t get me wrong, that does not mean that you give into everything that is going on. It does mean that, although you may not have all of the solutions, and you may not see the outcomes you want to see, you can love anyway and always. It means you are loving and supportive in the best ways you can be, even if that means that you need to step back and let someone else deal with a relationship that is otherwise toxic for you. Your love might be to step away.

“There are good families everywhere. But there are those who are in trouble. This is a malady with a cure. The prescription is simple and effective. It is love. It is plain, simple, everyday love and respect. It is a tender plant that needs nurturing. But it is worth all of the effort we can put into it.”
Gordon B. Hinckley

I have many times imagined what life was like before we came to this earth. We were all learning things in heaven. We were all at different levels of understanding and abilities and desires. Although we don’t remember, we each came here with specific knowledge, understanding, and training. We literally came here on a different levels of learning.

I was raised in the same household as all of my siblings and we are all so different but similar as well. My brother is an amazing writer, father and athlete. My sisters and mom paint. I play the piano. We all have different personalities and goals, yet we were all raised in the same home. We all parent differently. If parenting produced the same outcome for all of us, shouldn’t we be pretty much the same? But we’re not and we can’t expect our children to all behave the same. There is no one specific formula that will produce our desired outcome for every individual. Our parenting or relationship path is illuminated as we discover who our loved ones truly are and as we see what they individually need.

Your purpose is to take your family members from wherever they started, you do not know from where that was, and leave them a better person than when you started. It is not a comparison between family members because we have not started from the same place. There can be such joy in respecting each person’s journey. There can be such celebrations as we see our family members experiencing successes that are unique to them, no matter how great or small. Most importantly, we can enjoy our moments with them now and hope for as many moments with them as we can get. As we show greater love acceptance for them now, their trust in us will grow and those relationships will be stronger and more fulfilling.

Ultimately, no matter where our family members go and what they may do, how far they fall or how high they rise, we are the ones who will be the most likely to remember them and reach for them. They are ours to love. That is why I believe that you can jump in right now and whole-heartedly accept your divine, PERMISSION TO LOVE.

Permission to Love

The Hand of God in My Life

Posted on November 21, 2020 by jenqw

A few of years ago I did something that changed my life dramatically. I purposefully searched for joy or the hand of God in my life, daily. I also wrote what I found in my journal. When I began this challenge, I was seeking for joy in my life. What did joy look like? How did joy feel? I really had no idea but I had hope that I could find out.

Adam fell that men might be: and men are, that they might have joy.
2 Nephi 2:25

At first, I really had to search for the hand of God each day. It was simple things like a bird singing or the smile from a friend or family member. But as the days and months passed, and I was consistent with my search, I could see His hand in every detail of my daily life. I began to hear His voice. I was feeling joy, and how wonderful that felt!

I could see His hand in every detail of my daily life

I recognized that even in the challenges and heartaches of life, He was blessing me and mentoring me through those difficulties. Each challenge was actually growing me. Each heartache was helping me hear His voice a bit clearer. Not only was His hand in the challenges but He was also orchestrating miracles and tender mercies. I saw my family and friends differently. They are also loved and cherished by a wonderful Father in Heaven. My heart and mind were expanded to see that I had SO many who loved and cared for me on both sides of the veil. I have a Heavenly Mother, a Savior who is also my beloved brother – Jesus Christ. A literal army of angels who fight for me and with me against our common enemy.

My next question was, “were the blessings there are along but I couldn’t always see them or were the blessings magnified because I noticed them?” I think the latter. He was always blessing me but the more grateful I was for His blessings, the more blessings he poured down upon me.

Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.
Malachi 3:10

Tithing is a form of gratitude. This scripture illustrates a truth about our Father in Heaven. While He gives us everything, He asks only a small portion. When we give that small portion, He pours out His blessings to us. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and for His hand in my life.

Challenge:

Begin noticing the Hand of God or something joyful, purposefully, every day.
Write down what you noticed and any impressions that go along with it.

Permission to Love

Forget About What Other’s Think

Posted on November 20, 2020November 20, 2020 by aliciaqb

There are many lessons in life I have learned, and none have been as painful as learning that I can’t control what others think of me and my family. I was, at one time, so caught up in what others thought of me, that when a beloved, treasured friend of mine, believed something very serious about a family member, I was devastated. I spiraled into a depression and anxiety that lasted for several years. I couldn’t get close to anyone and I didn’t think anyone would want to be around me, either. I couldn’t go a single day without severe pain in my heart and soul. I was stuck in a downward spiral of negative thoughts until I didn’t even know if I could handle another day. It was just too painful to move forward.

After much prayer concerning this topic, I came to the realization that I had allowed Satan to be in about 99% of my thoughts. I believed just about any negative thought Satan put into my head. I had to change. I had to gain some spiritual muscle to rise above negative thoughts. If Satan was telling me that I was bad or worthless, I was going to believe the exact opposite. Every attack was going to be countered by a positive thought and the words,

I don’t believe it! I am a good person! My family is full of good people! It’s ok to make mistakes!

I countered it every time! And you know what? It only took me 1 week to get over my negative thoughts from that situation and to gain control over my thoughts.

At that same time, I had been listening to the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At the lunch break, I was cooking and listening to an uplifting commercial. I heard the words,

I am confident in the approval of my Savior.

I don’t know who said it or why, but that became my mantra. To me it meant, “I am letting go of the approval of man and believing that the Savior approves of me.” That’s all I needed to know. Christ knows what is true for me, even better than I do. He knows my situation. He knows my friend’s situation. He loves both of us. He loves all of us, perfectly. He doesn’t take sides, He loves us anyway. What if the worst had actually happened? Would that have changed Christ’s love for any of us? Does it matter what anyone else thinks? We don’t know everything, but Christ does!

I have worked from that moment on, to build my relationship with the Savior. My love and acceptance of everyone is growing. I can love. I can be loved. I don’t need to let what others think of me become who I am.

I have learned that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how hard you work to serve them or try to gain a friendship, no matter how good you are, you have no control over what they may think about you or anyone else. You cannot insure or earn that kind of power.

The good news is that it doesn’t matter what other people think. They have the right to think whatever they want, and you are off the hook. Don’t try to get other’s to think what you want them to think. They see life through their own lenses. They are 100% responsible for their own thoughts or as my friend said,

Don’t worry about what other’s think about you, that’s their own problem.

Now on the flip side, you are 100% responsible for your own thoughts and you see life through your own lens as well. That is good news! You can choose to see others in the most positive light. You can choose to not be tied to anyone else’s opinion but the opinion of the Savior.

I want to share a tool that I learned from one of my mentors, Becky Edwards, in the Life On Purpose program. This has made a great difference in my life. I call it the Self-Forgiveness Tool.

https://wordpress.com/post/permission-to-love.org/236

Permission to Love

Do You Parent from Love or Fear?

Posted on November 19, 2020 by jenqw

Many years ago, I was presented with an idea that was new to me and one I’ve spent a great deal of time pondering. The idea, or concept is that there are only two main emotions – love and fear. All other emotions fall under these two.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18

What does this have to do with parenting? Parenting from a place of love will always be more powerful than from a place of fear and has a long lasting effect which fear does not. Several years ago, one of my children was making some choices that I could see were leading her down a path of pain. One night, this child did not come home. I was overcome with a strong sense of dread and fear. I tried to call her and the friend that she was supposed to be spending time with. I didn’t get an answer from either. I drove over our mountain pass to knock on her friend’s door in the middle of the night to try and find her. I was frantic and did not find her. As this pattern of behavior continued with my child, my behavior became more and more fearful. I tried punishment, manipulation and nagging to no avail. Nothing I did was helping her behavior. Things got worse on her end and my heart was breaking. One day I felt so broken and overwhelmed with pain and fear. I literally fell to my knees and cried to my Heavenly Father. I asked Him, “will everything be ok eventually?” I immediately felt love and peace come over me. I knew that it was going to be just fine. It took some work but I began changing my own behavior – that’s all that I had the power to change, me. I stopped lecturing, checking up, and fearfully obsessing. I still cried a lot. I still felt sorrow, but not the heartbreaking kind. More of the I wish things could be different kind. I began sending her texts that had quotes or just to tell her she was amazing and that I loved her. I felt a huge change inside of me. I didn’t know until much later how much it had helped her and our relationship.

Nevertheless, the Nephites were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church.
Alma 43:45

The Lamanites fought only from a place of anger. They were ferocious and killed many Nephites. They fought with the power of man while the Nephites fought with the power of God. In the end, the Nephites had the greater cause and power behind them and they triumphed. The Nephites fought for what they loved. Love will ultimately win over fear, every time. I share that because sometimes we parent from fear because it can give us a quick result. As parents, let’s look past the quick result and look for the long game.

You may be thinking that your child doesn’t have a serious behavior or that they are young and you aren’t parenting from a place of fear. This may be true, but have you ever given in to a tantrum at the store? What is the fear there? Have you made your child change their clothes before school because you don’t want others to see them in that outfit. Have you resorted to manipulation, control or fear to get your child to do what you want them to? The sooner we can identify where we may be using fear in parenting, the sooner we can help our kids and ourselves.

CHALLENGE:

Pray to find where you are feeling and using fear in your parenting. Write down your findings.

Pray again to see where you can replace the fear with loving actions.

Permission to Love

Love Them First

Posted on November 10, 2020November 19, 2020 by aliciaqb

One thing that has been on my mind lately is, “How have I gotten to the point where I have a loving relationship with my children? How did I actually get there?” I remember a specific turning point in my parenting. I had been praying for a way improve my relationship with two of my teens who were constantly frustrated and angry with me. One of my daughters could be really loud, mean and hurtful when she got frustrated. We joked that she should be lawyer because she could win any argument and I was the parent that was supposed to be in charge! I was so frustrated, and I really didn’t know why they were reacting to me so strongly. I was trying very hard, but our interactions left me feeling hurt and unappreciated.

Who knew that my answer would be found at a very intriguing Valentine library display? There were many beautifully wrapped “mystery” books to choose from. I couldn’t resist checking out a book that someone else had picked out and thought good enough to surprise another reader with. As I opened the book and saw the title, “Real Love in Parenting” by Greg Baer, I knew I had just been given a tender mercy from God. I couldn’t put the book down even though it wasn’t an easy read, because I was finding out that the solution could start with me!

I read these words,

“It’s not your child’s responsibility to love you.”

I knew that was my problem. I was expecting my children to always please me, always appreciate me, always love me. The book went further to explain that I was playing the “victim” in order to get sympathy, love and appreciation from my children, but this is a form of manipulation. I can usually spot manipulation from a mile away and I know how it makes me feel. I usually dig my heels in and refuse to play along. Why would my kids be any different? I had been saying things like, “I can’t take your complaining right now!” “Why are you doing this to me?” “Why are you acting like this?” I was shutting them down when they were having a problem or a bad day because that problem was causing an inconvenience to me. I was probably complaining to my husband about how much of a jerk I thought my kids were being while he was at work, pleading my victim cause to him! I was starting to see why our interactions were not pleasant. I was trying to control their behavior to feel loved and appreciated without looking at them as a person with their own concerns and problems, needing my help.

So back to the idea that, “It is my child’s job to love me.” Somehow that idea turned everything around in my mind. I really desired to make my home a place where mom is not the victim and where I understood that the things my kids were doing or saying were just an indicator of how they were feeling. Which I now saw as a subconscious cry for help.

I gathered my kids and told them that things were going to be different from now on. I explained my victim behavior and told them that I now wanted to listen. It was now going to be safe to have hard conversations with no judgments. I would only respond if they asked for it. My first trial of this new resolve was a tough one, but I wanted this to work. My daughter came in very angry. She was blaming me, yelling at me and very angry. I literally had to sit on my hands because the words she was saying really stung. I thanked her for being honest with me and asked her if she wanted any help from me? Her heightened level of negativity and anger visibly dissipated. I could see her confusion that I didn’t react, but she liked this new way to communicate. It took her about a week for her to test me and realize that I was going to listen. She found that she didn’t need to pack the punch and use biting words or get loud to be heard, because I was going to listen. I was going to be a safe place for her to talk about her strong negative emotions. I would not judge her. She literally would end up in tears of laughter, realizing how irrational her thoughts were and that the situation was kind of funny. I didn’t even have to say anything. She would work it out on her own with me as her sounding board. I don’t know her exact age that I changed my way of communicating with her, but I know that this process was a growing, maturing process. Now that she is an adult, she has a very healthy ability to work out her own feelings and she desires to change her emotions and feelings to positives. She can see her behaviors and adjust them to fit what she actually wants them to be.

In my recent studies, I have found a scripture that explained to me why it’s not my child’s job to love me.

“We love Him, because He first loved us.”
1^stJohn 4:19

When I think of the love that Christ has for each of us, his willingness to suffer for our sins, his patience with us in our moments of imperfectness, his listening ear when we feel all is going wrong, I see the perfect model of love in parenting. His love for us shows how to love others. We can listen when our kids are hurting, be patient with them when they behave badly, take time to be with them and enjoy them in their imperfectness. Our children will better love us, as we are an example of love to them. We are the mentor here and they are the disciple. It is our job to love them, not the other way around. Our children do not require us to love them perfectly, as the Savior loves us perfectly, they only require us to be capable of seeing who they really are and accepting them in all of their moments, even the hard ones.

If you need to vent because of a hard day with a child, which I believe we all will need to do, talk to a trusted, wise friend who will give you good advice. My trusted friends have been my, husband, mom, sisters and most especially, God. Make sure it is out of the hearing reach of your child. Get that daily renewal of energy from your prayers and scriptures. You are amazing and being a parent is a tough job. You have our full permission to love!