One thing that has been on my mind lately is, “How have I gotten to the point where I have a loving relationship with my children? How did I actually get there?” I remember a specific turning point in my parenting. I had been praying for a way improve my relationship with two of my teens who were constantly frustrated and angry with me. One of my daughters could be really loud, mean and hurtful when she got frustrated. We joked that she should be lawyer because she could win any argument and I was the parent that was supposed to be in charge! I was so frustrated, and I really didn’t know why they were reacting to me so strongly. I was trying very hard, but our interactions left me feeling hurt and unappreciated.
Who knew that my answer would be found at a very intriguing Valentine library display? There were many beautifully wrapped “mystery” books to choose from. I couldn’t resist checking out a book that someone else had picked out and thought good enough to surprise another reader with. As I opened the book and saw the title, “Real Love in Parenting” by Greg Baer, I knew I had just been given a tender mercy from God. I couldn’t put the book down even though it wasn’t an easy read, because I was finding out that the solution could start with me!
I read these words,
“It’s not your child’s responsibility to love you.”
I knew that was my problem. I was expecting my children to always please me, always appreciate me, always love me. The book went further to explain that I was playing the “victim” in order to get sympathy, love and appreciation from my children, but this is a form of manipulation. I can usually spot manipulation from a mile away and I know how it makes me feel. I usually dig my heels in and refuse to play along. Why would my kids be any different? I had been saying things like, “I can’t take your complaining right now!” “Why are you doing this to me?” “Why are you acting like this?” I was shutting them down when they were having a problem or a bad day because that problem was causing an inconvenience to me. I was probably complaining to my husband about how much of a jerk I thought my kids were being while he was at work, pleading my victim cause to him! I was starting to see why our interactions were not pleasant. I was trying to control their behavior to feel loved and appreciated without looking at them as a person with their own concerns and problems, needing my help.
So back to the idea that, “It is my child’s job to love me.” Somehow that idea turned everything around in my mind. I really desired to make my home a place where mom is not the victim and where I understood that the things my kids were doing or saying were just an indicator of how they were feeling. Which I now saw as a subconscious cry for help.
I gathered my kids and told them that things were going to be different from now on. I explained my victim behavior and told them that I now wanted to listen. It was now going to be safe to have hard conversations with no judgments. I would only respond if they asked for it. My first trial of this new resolve was a tough one, but I wanted this to work. My daughter came in very angry. She was blaming me, yelling at me and very angry. I literally had to sit on my hands because the words she was saying really stung. I thanked her for being honest with me and asked her if she wanted any help from me? Her heightened level of negativity and anger visibly dissipated. I could see her confusion that I didn’t react, but she liked this new way to communicate. It took her about a week for her to test me and realize that I was going to listen. She found that she didn’t need to pack the punch and use biting words or get loud to be heard, because I was going to listen. I was going to be a safe place for her to talk about her strong negative emotions. I would not judge her. She literally would end up in tears of laughter, realizing how irrational her thoughts were and that the situation was kind of funny. I didn’t even have to say anything. She would work it out on her own with me as her sounding board. I don’t know her exact age that I changed my way of communicating with her, but I know that this process was a growing, maturing process. Now that she is an adult, she has a very healthy ability to work out her own feelings and she desires to change her emotions and feelings to positives. She can see her behaviors and adjust them to fit what she actually wants them to be.
In my recent studies, I have found a scripture that explained to me why it’s not my child’s job to love me.
“We love Him, because He first loved us.”
1stJohn 4:19
When I think of the love that Christ has for each of us, his willingness to suffer for our sins, his patience with us in our moments of imperfectness, his listening ear when we feel all is going wrong, I see the perfect model of love in parenting. His love for us shows how to love others. We can listen when our kids are hurting, be patient with them when they behave badly, take time to be with them and enjoy them in their imperfectness. Our children will better love us, as we are an example of love to them. We are the mentor here and they are the disciple. It is our job to love them, not the other way around. Our children do not require us to love them perfectly, as the Savior loves us perfectly, they only require us to be capable of seeing who they really are and accepting them in all of their moments, even the hard ones.
If you need to vent because of a hard day with a child, which I believe we all will need to do, talk to a trusted, wise friend who will give you good advice. My trusted friends have been my, husband, mom, sisters and most especially, God. Make sure it is out of the hearing reach of your child. Get that daily renewal of energy from your prayers and scriptures. You are amazing and being a parent is a tough job. You have our full permission to love!
Further reading:
Permission to Love 