Do You Parent from Love or Fear?

Many years ago, I was presented with an idea that was new to me and one I’ve spent a great deal of time pondering. The idea, or concept is that there are only two main emotions – love and fear. All other emotions fall under these two.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

What does this have to do with parenting? Parenting from a place of love will always be more powerful than from a place of fear and has a long lasting effect which fear does not. Several years ago, one of my children was making some choices that I could see were leading her down a path of pain. One night, this child did not come home. I was overcome with a strong sense of dread and fear. I tried to call her and the friend that she was supposed to be spending time with. I didn’t get an answer from either. I drove over our mountain pass to knock on her friend’s door in the middle of the night to try and find her. I was frantic and did not find her. As this pattern of behavior continued with my child, my behavior became more and more fearful. I tried punishment, manipulation and nagging to no avail. Nothing I did was helping her behavior. Things got worse on her end and my heart was breaking. One day I felt so broken and overwhelmed with pain and fear. I literally fell to my knees and cried to my Heavenly Father. I asked Him, “will everything be ok eventually?” I immediately felt love and peace come over me. I knew that it was going to be just fine. It took some work but I began changing my own behavior – that’s all that I had the power to change, me. I stopped lecturing, checking up, and fearfully obsessing. I still cried a lot. I still felt sorrow, but not the heartbreaking kind. More of the I wish things could be different kind. I began sending her texts that had quotes or just to tell her she was amazing and that I loved her. I felt a huge change inside of me. I didn’t know until much later how much it had helped her and our relationship.

Nevertheless, the Nephites were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church.

Alma 43:45

The Lamanites fought only from a place of anger. They were ferocious and killed many Nephites. They fought with the power of man while the Nephites fought with the power of God. In the end, the Nephites had the greater cause and power behind them and they triumphed. The Nephites fought for what they loved. Love will ultimately win over fear, every time. I share that because sometimes we parent from fear because it can give us a quick result. As parents, let’s look past the quick result and look for the long game.

You may be thinking that your child doesn’t have a serious behavior or that they are young and you aren’t parenting from a place of fear. This may be true, but have you ever given in to a tantrum at the store? What is the fear there? Have you made your child change their clothes before school because you don’t want others to see them in that outfit. Have you resorted to manipulation, control or fear to get your child to do what you want them to? The sooner we can identify where we may be using fear in parenting, the sooner we can help our kids and ourselves.