Author: aliciaqb

I know that many of us deeply long to talk to our Heavenly Father. I long to know who He is and what He wants me to know. I long to feel His love and to become like Him. So often, when I start to study or read my scriptures, it doesn’t go the way I imagine and the way I desire. I often come to my sacred time distracted and unable to focus. It can be hard to transition your heart and mind from the cares and the desires of the world to a peaceful, quiet place of worship. Over much effort and practice, I have found that I can more easily make that transition without distraction by doing two things: Praying out loud and writing the thought and feelings that I want to communicate to God.

It all started with a class I took called Heaven Journaling and a challenge given by Sister Wendy Nelson in a Youth Worldwide devotional in 2016. Here’s her challenge:

Another Quote that inspired me at that same time was this:

Write down in a secure place the important things you learn from the Spirit. You will find that as you write down precious impressions, often more will come. Also, the knowledge you gain will be available throughout your life.” Elder Richard G. Scott

I have always been a journal writer, but instead of a rundown of the day, I started to write “Dear Father” letters.  I literally start writing a letter to thank Him, to tell Him what is going on, to tell Him what I am learning. Here I ask the tough questions and search for the answers. I write down scriptures that I have read that are the answers to my questions. I glue in pictures that inspire me of the Savior or quoted scripture. I write questions and if I haven’t found the answer I leave that section blank until I discover the answer. I have gone back and labeled the tops of the pages with titles like, “Re-read When You’re Afraid,” “What to do When You Need to Work on Your Relationship with Your Husband.” I am now starting to have a collection of journals that I consider to me my life manuals as I refer back to the answers God has given me and find myself needing those answers over and over again.

I find that so often God has been trying to speak to me all day, but I haven’t stopped and gathered all that he is saying into my heart and mind. This is a conversation that can last days. I speak to Him, He speaks to me. I don’t get distracted if I am writing. Then I know just what to pray about and what to ask. And I don’t get distracted if I pray out loud.

I don’t always pray and look for answers in this way. Sometimes just a simple prayer said in my heart and mind is needed and the writing process can be too cumbersome for the moment, but when I switch up the ways we are communicating with our Father, he can reach out to me in different ways.

This process has deepened my relationship with God. In this way, I have found that I can have a very real, living relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Further Reading:

Becoming the Person You Were Meant to Be  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/broadcasts/article/worldwide-devotionals/2016/01/becoming-the-person-you-were-born-to-be?lang=eng

Write It Down https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/new-era/2016/05/write-it-down?lang=eng

Heavenly Journaling http://purposedrivenmotherhood.blogspot.com/p/heaven-journaling-30-day-program.html

One of my favorite places to visit is the San Juan Islands of the Pacific Northwest. One visit we were canoeing at a Lake in Moran State Park (if you’re into that kind of thing I highly recommend you visit). I was with my family, and saw this amazing log bridge ahead that kids were jumping from. I felt really excited to try it.

In my head I was thinking, “If I don’t try this now, I may never get the chance to jump from that bridge again. I climbed up to that bridge from the water and discovered that what looked like not a big deal, was quite frightening for someone who is afraid of heights, like me.

My kids were watching and all the kids on the bridge were really encouraging. I was totally seized with fear!

I hesitated, and the longer I waited, the more my mind was saying, “There is no way I’m doing this!”

The kids on the bridge were trying so hard to help me as they challenged me to jump in with them on the count of 3. At least 4 sets of helpful kids jumped at the count of 3 to encourage me, and I didn’t follow. My fear was getting worse.

Finally, a cute 5-year-old made me promise if he jumped in with me this time that I would really jump. I knew I couldn’t break a promise to a 5-year-old, so as he counted to 3, I abandoned all of my fear and finally jumped in!

It was scary, my knees were shaking, but it was really fun! I was proud of myself for conquering my fear and my kid’s faces were beaming! It felt good!

I love this situation because it has so many lessons to learn from. I’ll just admit it, I feel fear all of the time! My mom never let me get away with not doing something because I was afraid, but I have never gotten over the fear of trying new things or going ahead with my desires and dreams. The word “Dreamer” has just barely been allowed into my vocabulary describing who I am and who I want to be.

I have been asked by God to face a lot of my fears lately, and I really don’t like that feeling! Who does? But I really want to grow in so many ways! God knows that I need to grow in those ways too, and He is helping me. 

I read this definition of fear that perfectly describes what I’m feeling.

_{Fear: Running away from or avoiding an uncomfortable feeling that comes from the belief that something is going to cause suffering.}

Now, back to the story… I really wanted to try something. I was excited to try something. That something was really scary when I thought about it too much. I hesitated. That moment of hesitation made my fears get bigger and bigger. I almost didn’t do it, but a little friend urged me on and even was willing to go the distance with me. It felt so good to accomplish that thing!

1. What are your dreams? What have you wanted to accomplish but are not doing because of fear?
2. Start steps to doing it NOW! Hesitation causes more fear and doubt.
3. Surround yourself with people who know what your dream is and will support and cheer you on. God is your biggest ally!
4. Be prepared to feel really happy once you have started your dream!

Facing fears is not easy. We will feel fear as we get closer to the boundaries of our comfort zone. But we will get stronger! Our comfort zone boundaries will expand, and we will comfortably be able to do more things. If we do not push past our comfort zone it will get smaller and we will be more afraid. It sounds hard either way, but one way is so much more rewarding than the other.

You are amazing! You have so much to contribute to this world! You have so many people cheering for you and needing what you have to offer! Push past those fears and do those things you’ve always wanted to do!

Suggested Reading

FEAR NOT, ONLY BELIEVE https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/new-era/2000/01/fear-not-only-believe?lang=eng

Your words are Powerful. The words of others are powerful. Everything you think, everything you believe, plants a seed and grows into an idea that will eventually affect how you do thing and how you see things in the future. Even from when you were a child, you do things now because of what you learned or thought clear back then.

Let’s think about your own self-talk? Do you say kind things to yourself? How would you react if someone said those same thing to one of your children? 

“You are not good enough!” 

“You are getting fatter and you’re getting more gray hairs. You shouldn’t have eaten that second piece of cake. You’re probably going to gain 5 pounds tomorrow!” 

“You were the worst parent! You’re probably going to ruin your child’s life!”

I’m pretty sure if we even heard someone talking to another person that way, we would think it was abusive and inappropriate. It’s almost laughable! Get my point? You shouldn’t be abusing yourself that way either.

As you are think about this video, think about the impact Mr Jensen’s words had on Clint Pulver’s life. They were so powerful!

Imagine if you were your own Mr Jensen and you told yourself things like,

“I am doing good things for the world.”

“I’m learning that so fast!”

“I love that about myself!”

“I am awesome!”

Would your world change? Would you be able to do more things without self- doubt and fear? Would you be able to be a Mr Jensen for everyone else around you?

My first challenge is to listen to your self-talk. Write down what you are hearing and then write down how you can change your messages to positive self-building messages. Dare to believe the opposite of your own negative self-talk.

I recently had an opportunity to visit Pompeii in Italy. As I walked down the stone paved streets, I couldn’t help but notice huge ruts in the roads. These ruts were gradually worn from years of wheels going down the same paths of countless vehicles, day after day. From my perspective, it didn’t look like a vehicle could choose a different path with how worn the path already was. It was easy to know and predict where flow of traffic went day after day.

As I was thinking about it, if those deep ruts in the roads of Pompeii were to be fixed, each worn stone would have to be replaced with a new stone. It would take effort and strength and purpose to lift the old stones out and replace them with a new stones. Just think how easy the way would be if that were to be done. Travelers could take a new paths and try new ways to go. 

Our minds work much the same way. In order to change old thought patterns, we must replace them with new thought patterns. These new thoughts make new paths that take us down better roads. Life is just easier. Most of us have gone down thought paths so often that deep ruts have formed in our mind’s pathways that we automatically go down whenever we fall into certain situations. We often want to change these pathways but we don’t know how.

A few of my personal ruts have looked like, anxiety when it’s my week to play the organ, a belief that I can’t write or speak well, thinking life would be easier if I had no responsibilities, tryingand worrying about what others think of me. These ruts have been such stumbling blocks for me, keeping me from accomplishing the things that I want to do and the things I want to change. I have been working very hard to get rid of the ruts in my life and to go to the place I want to be mentally and emotionally. I have worked hard to repave my thinking habits and in doing this I have found greater joy.

I challenge you to change your thoughts. It is going to take spiritual and emotional muscle, but I would like to invite you to join me over the course of my next few posts in learning how to take responsibility for your thoughts. I will share tools that will help change your thought patterns. Some of your challenges in life will disappear simply by thinking about life in a new way. You also will be able to feel greater joy and less stress. I can’t say that your circumstances will change, but I can say that you can change in your circumstances and life will be better all the way around!

Change your THOUGHTS and you change your WORLD…

Norman Vincent Peale

When my sister and I were trying to come up with a name for our blog, we knew Permission to Love was the right name. We originally wanted to write a book and we kept saying, “We need to make sure that people know that they can love their “loved ones” right now. They need to know that there is no reason to withhold our love from someone no matter the situation.”

I’m guessing that there are times when you don’t know how to treat a family member because things between you have changed and you are not happy with them.  You may be fighting or hurt by their actions. They may have gone against standards and truths you felt they were taught, they may lie, hide things, make mistakes, behave badly. It all can hurt very deeply.

Somehow, we believe that if we love someone as they are now, we are sending a signal that we are accepting or approving of behavior that that we don’t like. We feel that we are holding onto a thread of control of the situation, as long as we let them know that we strongly disapprove. The truth is, we do not control anything. That is an illusion. It is not your job control because control is a barrier to your greatest superpower, which is LOVE. Love draws people to us, disapproval pushes them away. Your loving influence makes all of the difference and is more of a persuading force than any lessons that could be taught by lecturing or disapproval.

Don’t get me wrong, that does not mean that you give into everything that is going on. It does mean that, although you may not have all of the solutions, and you may not see the outcomes you want to see, you can love anyway and always. It means you are loving and supportive in the best ways you can be, even if that means that you need to step back and let someone else deal with a relationship that is otherwise toxic for you. Your love might be to step away.

I have many times imagined what life was like before we came to this earth. We were all learning things in heaven. We were all at different levels of understanding and abilities and desires. Although we don’t remember, we each came here with specific knowledge, understanding, and training. We literally came here on a different levels of learning. 

I was raised in the same household as all of my siblings and we are all so different but similar as well. My brother is an amazing writer, father and athlete. My sisters and mom paint. I play the piano. We all have different personalities and goals, yet we were all raised in the same home. We all parent differently. If parenting produced the same outcome for all of us, shouldn’t we be pretty much the same? But we’re not and we can’t expect our children to all behave the same. There is no one specific formula that will produce our desired outcome for every individual. Our parenting or relationship path is illuminated as we discover who our loved ones truly are and as we see what they individually need.

Your purpose is to take your family members from wherever they started, you do not know from where that was, and leave them a better person than when you started. It is not a comparison between family members because we have not started from the same place. There can be such joy in respecting each person’s journey. There can be such celebrations as we see our family members experiencing successes that are unique to them, no matter how great or small.  Most importantly, we can enjoy our moments with them now and hope for as many moments with them as we can get. As we show greater love acceptance for them now, their trust in us will grow and those relationships will be stronger and more fulfilling.

Ultimately, no matter where our family members go and what they may do, how far they fall or how high they rise, we are the ones who will be the most likely to remember them and reach for them. They are ours to love. That is why I believe that you can jump in right now and whole-heartedly accept your divine, PERMISSION TO LOVE.  

There are many lessons in life I have learned, and none have been as painful as learning that I can’t control what others think of me and my family. I was, at one time, so caught up in what others thought of me, that when a beloved, treasured friend of mine, believed something very serious about a family member, I was devastated. I spiraled into a depression and anxiety that lasted for several years. I couldn’t get close to anyone and I didn’t think anyone would want to be around me, either. I couldn’t go a single day without severe pain in my heart and soul. I was stuck in a downward spiral of negative thoughts until I didn’t even know if I could handle another day. It was just too painful to move forward.

After much prayer concerning this topic, I came to the realization that I had allowed Satan to be in about 99% of my thoughts. I believed just about any negative thought Satan put into my head. I had to change. I had to gain some spiritual muscle to rise above negative thoughts. If Satan was telling me that I was bad or worthless, I was going to believe the exact opposite. Every attack was going to be countered by a positive thought and the words,

I don’t believe it! I am a good person! My family is full of good people! It’s ok to make mistakes!

I countered it every time! And you know what? It only took me 1 week to get over my negative thoughts from that situation and to gain control over my thoughts.

At that same time, I had been listening to the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At the lunch break, I was cooking and listening to an uplifting commercial. I heard the words,

I am confident in the approval of my Savior. 

I don’t know who said it or why, but that became my mantra. To me it meant, “I am letting go of the approval of man and believing that the Savior approves of me.” That’s all I needed to know. Christ knows what is true for me, even better than I do. He knows my situation. He knows my friend’s situation. He loves both of us. He loves all of us, perfectly. He doesn’t take sides, He loves us anyway. What if the worst had actually happened? Would that have changed Christ’s love for any of us? Does it matter what anyone else thinks? We don’t know everything, but Christ does!

I have worked from that moment on, to build my relationship with the Savior. My love and acceptance of everyone is growing. I can love. I can be loved. I don’t need to let what others think of me become who I am.

I have learned that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how hard you work to serve them or try to gain a friendship, no matter how good you are, you have no control over what they may think about you or anyone else. You cannot insure or earn that kind of power.

The good news is that it doesn’t matter what other people think. They have the right to think whatever they want, and you are off the hook. Don’t try to get other’s to think what you want them to think. They see life through their own lenses. They are 100% responsible for their own thoughts or as my friend said,

Don’t worry about what other’s think about you, that’s their own problem.

Now on the flip side, you are 100% responsible for your own thoughts and you see life through your own lens as well. That is good news! You can choose to see others in the most positive light. You can choose to not be tied to anyone else’s opinion but the opinion of the Savior.

I want to share a tool that I learned from one of my mentors, Becky Edwards, in the Life On Purpose program. This has made a great difference in my life. I call it the Self-Forgiveness Tool. 

https://wordpress.com/post/permission-to-love.org/236

One thing that has been on my mind lately is, “How have I gotten to the point where I have a loving relationship with my children? How did I actually get there?” I remember a specific turning point in my parenting. I had been praying for a way improve my relationship with two of my teens who were constantly frustrated and angry with me. One of my daughters could be really loud, mean and hurtful when she got frustrated. We joked that she should be lawyer because she could win any argument and I was the parent that was supposed to be in charge! I was so frustrated, and I really didn’t know why they were reacting to me so strongly. I was trying very hard, but our interactions left me feeling hurt and unappreciated.

Who knew that my answer would be found at a very intriguing Valentine library display? There were many beautifully wrapped “mystery” books to choose from. I couldn’t resist checking out a book that someone else had picked out and thought good enough to surprise another reader with. As I opened the book and saw the title, “Real Love in Parenting” by Greg Baer, I knew I had just been given a tender mercy from God. I couldn’t put the book down even though it wasn’t an easy read, because I was finding out that the solution could start with me!

I read these words,

“It’s not your child’s responsibility to love you.”

I knew that was my problem. I was expecting my children to always please me, always appreciate me, always love me. The book went further to explain that I was playing the “victim” in order to get sympathy, love and appreciation from my children, but this is a form of manipulation. I can usually spot manipulation from a mile away and I know how it makes me feel. I usually dig my heels in and refuse to play along. Why would my kids be any different? I had been saying things like, “I can’t take your complaining right now!” “Why are you doing this to me?” “Why are you acting like this?” I was shutting them down when they were having a problem or a bad day because that problem was causing an inconvenience to me. I was probably complaining to my husband about how much of a jerk I thought my kids were being while he was at work, pleading my victim cause to him!  I was starting to see why our interactions were not pleasant. I was trying to control their behavior to feel loved and appreciated without looking at them as a person with their own concerns and problems, needing my help.

So back to the idea that, “It is my child’s job to love me.” Somehow that idea turned everything around in my mind. I really desired to make my home a place where mom is not the victim and where I understood that the things my kids were doing or saying were just an indicator of how they were feeling. Which I now saw as a subconscious cry for help.

I gathered my kids and told them that things were going to be different from now on. I explained my victim behavior and told them that I now wanted to listen. It was now going to be safe to have hard conversations with no judgments. I would only respond if they asked for it. My first trial of this new resolve was a tough one, but I wanted this to work. My daughter came in very angry. She was blaming me, yelling at me and very angry. I literally had to sit on my hands because the words she was saying really stung. I thanked her for being honest with me and asked her if she wanted any help from me? Her heightened level of negativity and anger visibly dissipated. I could see her confusion that I didn’t react, but she liked this new way to communicate. It took her about a week for her to test me and realize that I was going to listen. She found that she didn’t need to pack the punch and use biting words or get loud to be heard, because I was going to listen. I was going to be a safe place for her to talk about her strong negative emotions. I would not judge her. She literally would end up in tears of laughter, realizing how irrational her thoughts were and that the situation was kind of funny. I didn’t even have to say anything. She would work it out on her own with me as her sounding board. I don’t know her exact age that I changed my way of communicating with her, but I know that this process was a growing, maturing process. Now that she is an adult, she has a very healthy ability to work out her own feelings and she desires to change her emotions and feelings to positives. She can see her behaviors and adjust them to fit what she actually wants them to be.

In my recent studies, I have found a scripture that explained to me why it’s not my child’s job to love me.

When I think of the love that Christ has for each of us, his willingness to suffer for our sins, his patience with us in our moments of imperfectness, his listening ear when we feel all is going wrong, I see the perfect model of love in parenting. His love for us shows how to love others. We can listen when our kids are hurting, be patient with them when they behave badly, take time to be with them and enjoy them in their imperfectness. Our children will better love us, as we are an example of love to them. We are the mentor here and they are the disciple. It is our job to love them, not the other way around. Our children do not require us to love them perfectly, as the Savior loves us perfectly, they only require us to be capable of seeing who they really are and accepting them in all of their moments, even the hard ones.

If you need to vent because of a hard day with a child, which I believe we all will need to do, talk to a trusted, wise friend who will give you good advice. My trusted friends have been my, husband, mom, sisters and most especially, God. Make sure it is out of the hearing reach of your child. Get that daily renewal of energy from your prayers and scriptures. You are amazing and being a parent is a tough job. You have our full permission to love!

Further reading:

Real Love in Parenting by Greg Baer

1^st John 4