Tag: parenting

Posted in Permission to Love

Why Connection?

Posted on by jenqw
Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi on Pexels.com

…Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

Matthew 22:37-39

I have always been fascinated with World War II, especially Holocaust victims and survivors. I’ve recently been watching videos of survivors telling their stories. I’ve always wondered how so many in the countries involved could either be blind to what was going on or didn’t do anything about it “just in case” or out of fear for themselves and their families. The other side of that are those that were deliberate contributors to either the help and protection of the vulnerable or to the harm and destruction of the same. What makes people do what they do?

We are living at a time when there is a great spiritual war going on. I personally am seeing many who are trying to be a force for good and also many that are working on the side of evil. It seems there are even more that are somewhere in between both end of the spectrum.

In the prison camps during World War II, the men, women and children were dehumanized. Their clothes and belongings were taken from them, they were shaved, fed just enough to barely keep them alive, and in the worst of the camps, beaten, raped, experimented on etc. Many were led into gas chambers where their lives were taken. Inside and outside of the camps they were given labels such as a yellow star (Jews) , a purple triangle (Jehovah’s Witness), pink triangle (homosexuals), and the list goes on. These symbols isolated people and identified them. Isn’t this the same type of thing we are doing today. No, we are not being placed in prison camps and we are not wearing a physical sign. However, the labels of separation are all there. LGBT, Christian, Leftist, Trumpist, black, white, the list goes on. Sexual preference, political party, religion, and other labels do not determine our identity. The labels may describe certain things about us but not really who we are. Instead they are used to pit people against each other, discriminate, harm. For instance, the trans label has given people justification to chemically and physically mutilate children. It has also allows for men to compete in women’s sports and justify drag shows for children. Separating by race often means that jobs and other opportunities are not given by merit. The more that we place labels and separate people accordingly, the more we lose the ability to see the individual. It is a way to dehumanize. It’s easier to judge an entire group as bad or good when in reality you can see both in any “good group” or any “bad group”.

A personal connection is a genuine bond formed between two people wherein each person feels seen, heard and known. Whether or not we’re able to acknowledge it, each of us carries an innate need to connect to others

So what does all of this have to do with connection? It is my belief that connection is the key to overcoming many of the problems that this world faces at this time. If the first two commandments, which are connection commandments, are followed, all the other commandments will fall into place. Connection between God, and others. If we can see each of our fellow humans as children of a Heavenly Father that loves us all, how can we do harm? We can start with our family and friends. Often these close relationships are great for practicing connection because we are more likely to vocalize when we are frustrated or unhappy with them. What if when a family member makes a choice we don’t agree with we seek to understand them? Ask why they are choosing this way? Listen more than talk? Allow for their choice and have our choice be to love. Several years ago I had a child make a moral decision that I did not agree with. Every time this choice would come up I would express that I loved them, knew they had to make their own choices and that it was a choice I didn’t agree with. Later this child was interviewed and asked what they felt their parents did right and wrong in dealing with this choice. What was said surprised me. They did not appreciate my reiterating that I didn’t agree with the choice. It was something that was taught their whole life and they already knew I didn’t like it. I learned that day that I didn’t need to “make sure” my opinion was known. I just need to let my loved ones know that I really do love them.

How do we connect with those around us that we cross paths with but will never have a relationship with? It comes down to the Arbinger Institute principle of “seeing people as people” or to take it even further, recognize that everyone we interact with is a child of God. When someone cuts us off on the freeway maybe we can choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they just didn’t see us or they have an emergency. What about the mother in the checkout line with the crying child? Could we offer a smile or a comforting word? Could we look around us and see anyone that might need to talk or needs help with something we are able to do? Where can we offer encouragement? Understanding? Sometimes it seems that what I have to offer is insignificant. The more I think about it, anything that we can do that will bring good into the world is worth doing.

Posted in Permission to Love

Is it Right? Is it Good? Does it Make Sense?

Posted on by jenqw

Do you ever do something because that’s what everyone is doing? That’s how you were taught to do it? You’ve always done it that way?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

Early this morning I had a strange dream. When I woke from it, I felt I needed to share it and my insights in a blog post. I could have gone with a current events theme but I decided that a parenting/mentoring theme would work better for our blog.

In my dream, there was a large get together at what appeared to be my parents home. Everyone was laughing and having a great time together. I was slowly being made aware of a game that was being played. I wanted to join in and learned that we were to go outside and sit in the woods. The longer the game players were out there, the more points were received. As I walked outside, I heard people yelling out numbers in increments of 4’s. 32, 4, 16, 40… As I approached, I asked why increments of 4? No one knew, someone just started counting that way and they all followed. I noticed that everyone was spaced out several feet and asked why. Once again, no one really knew why, they just started doing it that way. As I looked for somewhere to sit, I saw that there wasn’t a comfortable place on the ground. I sat down and realized how cold it was and that it was getting dark. I asked why no one had a chair or blanket to sit on. Some didn’t know, some said it wasn’t too bad, others said it was a rule of the game. When does the game end? What do you get if you get the most points? Apparently, the game ended when someone told them to stop. No one knew what the prize was but they were sure it was something good. I decided I didn’t want to be a part of this game. It wasn’t fun. I was cold and uncomfortable. Would the prize even be worth it? The questions came to me: Is it right? Is it good? Does it make sense? I headed back to the house to be a part of the enjoyment going on inside. On entering, I immediately noticed how warm it was. I saw a white doorknob that when I tried, found it locked. I jiggled and tugged repeatedly to no avail. How was I to get in the room where I could hear everyone enjoying themselves? I finally knocked and asked to be let in. Immediately, the door opened. I found everyone inside smiling, talking, laughing, enjoying… It was easy to see that there was no need for points. Everyone in the room won by just being there. Arbitrary rules were not needed.

What does this have to do with anything? In our lives, we are asked to do many things and take on many different roles. How often do we do those things without any real thought or questions? Should we question?

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

Matthew 7:7

Of course we should question. Our Heavenly Father wants us to question. We will not find answers if we don’t first start with a question. We can’t learn to hear God’s voice unless we wonder what He sounds like or what He might say to us.

I am the mom of 6 children. Well into my parenting journey, I could see that things were not going like I had planned. I was parenting all of my children the exact same way. It was the way I was parented. It worked for my parents so it should work for me. Right?f Well it didn’t. My children are VERY individual. I read many parenting books and tried all sorts of different things. It wasn’t until I was desperate and actually asked in prayer what I should do that life got better in my home. I started noticing that while one child liked to talk everything out, another would only talk on her terms. One child did well with consequences while the other was very impulsive and consequences would most always lead to failure. For the child with impulsivity, every little improvement that was noticed and praised worked best.

When my oldest child was young, she had difficulty getting chores done. I thought she just didn’t want to do them. I would get angry and would nag and push her to finish. She was often in tears and things never got done unless I did it myself. One day I decided to try something different. First, I noticed that she was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. Second, she didn’t like to be alone. My thought was to turn it into a game. I would tell her to pick up all the clothes in the room. She’d do it and ask what was next. Books. Next. Stuffed animals. Soon the room was clean and both of us were happy. Questioning and seeking for a better way changed both of us.

Take the time to look at your life and the things going on in it. Ask questions. Is it right? Is it good? Does it make sense? Maybe some additional questions. Am I feeling joy? Are my relationships loving? Can I see one place to make a change right now?

Challenge

*Look for something in your life that isn’t going well. Maybe something that seems to be a pattern.

*What question could you ask to make a change? Write the question down in your journal. Pray for an answer to that specific question.

Posted in Permission to Love

Do You Parent from Love or Fear?

Posted on by jenqw

Many years ago, I was presented with an idea that was new to me and one I’ve spent a great deal of time pondering. The idea, or concept is that there are only two main emotions – love and fear. All other emotions fall under these two.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

What does this have to do with parenting? Parenting from a place of love will always be more powerful than from a place of fear and has a long lasting effect which fear does not. Several years ago, one of my children was making some choices that I could see were leading her down a path of pain. One night, this child did not come home. I was overcome with a strong sense of dread and fear. I tried to call her and the friend that she was supposed to be spending time with. I didn’t get an answer from either. I drove over our mountain pass to knock on her friend’s door in the middle of the night to try and find her. I was frantic and did not find her. As this pattern of behavior continued with my child, my behavior became more and more fearful. I tried punishment, manipulation and nagging to no avail. Nothing I did was helping her behavior. Things got worse on her end and my heart was breaking. One day I felt so broken and overwhelmed with pain and fear. I literally fell to my knees and cried to my Heavenly Father. I asked Him, “will everything be ok eventually?” I immediately felt love and peace come over me. I knew that it was going to be just fine. It took some work but I began changing my own behavior – that’s all that I had the power to change, me. I stopped lecturing, checking up, and fearfully obsessing. I still cried a lot. I still felt sorrow, but not the heartbreaking kind. More of the I wish things could be different kind. I began sending her texts that had quotes or just to tell her she was amazing and that I loved her. I felt a huge change inside of me. I didn’t know until much later how much it had helped her and our relationship.

Nevertheless, the Nephites were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church.

Alma 43:45

The Lamanites fought only from a place of anger. They were ferocious and killed many Nephites. They fought with the power of man while the Nephites fought with the power of God. In the end, the Nephites had the greater cause and power behind them and they triumphed. The Nephites fought for what they loved. Love will ultimately win over fear, every time. I share that because sometimes we parent from fear because it can give us a quick result. As parents, let’s look past the quick result and look for the long game.

You may be thinking that your child doesn’t have a serious behavior or that they are young and you aren’t parenting from a place of fear. This may be true, but have you ever given in to a tantrum at the store? What is the fear there? Have you made your child change their clothes before school because you don’t want others to see them in that outfit. Have you resorted to manipulation, control or fear to get your child to do what you want them to? The sooner we can identify where we may be using fear in parenting, the sooner we can help our kids and ourselves.

CHALLENGE:

Pray to find where you are feeling and using fear in your parenting. Write down your findings.

Pray again to see where you can replace the fear with loving actions.